aphorisms

My aphorisms were published in the book
Nezabolí jazyk od dobrého slova (the onthology of czech aphorists 19.-20.st century)
(Published by Knižní klub 2003, editor Jiri Zacek and Miroslav Huptych)

 

Miroslav Huptych

The watch with fireworks

A compromise between head and heart cannot be made with an axe.

What I cut my teeth on in my youth I now have to swallow.

When is a person in their best years? – When they’re alive.

When you feel as if life were passing you by, you can still trip it up.

Whereas the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, a woman’s tears make the best aperitif.

When your wife catches you out, you can still be faithful to your dog.

Sometimes only in the dark can we show ourselves to women in our best light.

Lies are prettier than the truth. Women often lie – not out of perversity, but merely out of their appreciation for beauty.

Senility brings one advantage. – We forget our enemies.

Even a tough guy can be soft. – When he’s beaten to a pulp.

The hardest thing to do is strip a woman who is cloaked in mystery.

A man should have a burning passion for something. In the crematorium it is too late.

He who has never spread manure in life has no right to expect a harvest.

Sometimes morning is even worse than night.

Cuckolds don’t end up in hell. They would give the devils complexes.

As soon as you remove the muzzle from a bottle of champagne, you find that it has rabies.

Female poets don’t need wings. – They have broomsticks.

Many writers wish their work would be assigned readers.

Never leave off things for tomorrow, young lady! You can leave your clothes off now!

It’s sad when patience has its own rewards only at the grave.

Only the gravedigger is paid to put us into our graves. The rest exhibit unseemly initiative.

If women did not fall for men, they would fall to ruin.

Be on guard against money. Money can mess with your head so much that you wind up putting pantyhose over it.

The opposite of laying wreaths is laying eggs.

The dying ought to drink pure alcohol for the last three days before they die. – So that they‘ll burn better.

Vampires are a species of cannibals who took to drink.

It would be unbearable, after unhooking her bra…to find barbells.

The boomerang returns to us, because it has forgotten where we had sent it.

If those of you who have slandered us had more imagination, you could have made us famous.

When Winter asks, what did you do all summer? Answer: “Made snowmen while the sun shined!” – That will confuse it.

The bottle is the former address of wine. Its permanent address is in the liver.

He grew out of children’s booties right into cement overshoes.

Do well by a girl and you will be rewarded with a mother-in-law.

Those who look at us between the fingers of their hands in front of their faces, are showing us what it looks like to be behind bars.

Truncheon poets! – With the bones of their critics.

Will the world be a happier place, once the optimists hang all the pessimists?

One cannot make castles in the air out of farts.

Don’t be afraid to leave your principles. – They will never be subject to theft.

While searching for the past he lost the future.

He wanted to see her as God created her. When she complied, he lost faith in God’s existence.

He left himself a window of escape, and thieves rushed in.

An optimist? – One who rubs his hands even when shackled!

The muse for female poets is Satyr.

When the knife is at your neck, you shouldn’t shake your head with dismay.

What a tolerant man calls a flighty woman – an angel.

When you find a man good right down to his bones, you can make a very fine broth out of him.

If people had more time for each other, there would be a huge increase in the murder rate.

Underground organizations have their greatest numbers in cemeteries.

If Daedalus had had freedom, he wouldn’t have invented wings.

When basking in love, you can still get sunstroke.

When amongst idiots, we have to play the fool.

Why should we wash our hands of him when we can wash them in his blood?

If the apple had fallen on Adam’s head, the world would look entirely different.

A poem can be similar in form a Gordian knot, if its understanding hits you like a swordblow.

Hangmen don’t have a gallows sense of humour. They take their work too seriously.

Love can move mountains – into our hearts.

She wanted him to pay rent for a place in her heart.

He who founds a poetic school can never be certain that he will not end up as its janitor.

They told him: “You’re digging your own grave.” He answered: “No – it’s a well.”

I don’t read sweet love stories – they’re too fattening for my brain.

Love sworn to the grave will be first nibbled by worms of doubt.

Dream not only with you eyes shut, but with your mouth too!

He spun webs of dreams to catch angels upon.

Listen, my fine literary critic: Even urns have quite nice form, but the contents…

A long time ago I shut myself up into the tower of my own bones.

Do not appeal to the Highest Authority. – He metes out higher penalties.

After you’ve won yourself over, where will you get rid of the corpse?

People soft as wax are the easiest ones to make candles for the coffin of freedom out of.

Flogging a dead horse is good exercise.

Hidden areas of the brain? – More bats in the belfry!

I wonder why the earth is so attracted to people.

Your wheel of fortune may very well serve another as the spare tire on his limousine.

The incorruptibility of some people helps the others raise their fees.

-The best way to drink wine – gossip!

The choice is yours: walk with the gang or on the gangplank!

Women’s thoughtfulness is touching. Some will cauterize the knife before sticking it into your heart.

Don’t rely too much on your memory: it can cheat on you with your conscience.

Insomnia can keep your eyes open on your troubles.

Sometimes, one can attain a sober view of the situation only after a few glasses of wine.

If our wives were faithful, there would be lack of mistresses.

How come clever razor-sharp ripostes come to us when it is too late?

The brain operates under the instinct of self-preservation.

Where the longarm of the law doesn’t reach, it can shoot.

The ventriloquist won’t speak? – Starve him!

Repetition is the mother of – parrots.

The critic’s motto: Apres moi, the delusion.

Poet, don’t cook with water, but blood!

To get to literary heaven, you have to go through private hell.

Don’t carry your secrets to the grave. At Resurrection, no one will be interested.

When problems grow bigger than our heads, at least we can relax in their shadows.

Some hydrocephalics consider themselves to be founts of wisdom.

His words fell upon rich soil. But weeds sprang up.

When you’re knocked down on your knees, you can always pretend you’re tying your shoelaces.

Don’t lose hard!

The difference between the gallows and a tree? – You can hang yourself from a tree on your own, but the gallows you have to earn.

For a golden wedding anniversary – golden horns.

Brainpower is not measured in horsepower but in horseshit.

 

 

trans. Matthew Sweney